Wednsday 9th July

I have come to the realization that what I did was very selfish and egotistical. What if that someone else that I could possibly have lost over worldly worries. I will be more kind with my words because my family trusts me alot and I love them for that. It some times amazes me how much trust they put in me, so it is a blessing and I am not going to take that for granted.

I love them with all my heart and I do not doubt for one bit at all that all that  love is returned or even more.

My mother was making dua aftur and all the things she was praying for were almost all the worries that I have. She loves me and wishes nothing but the best for me so I am going to do my best to make her life the most happiest I could possibly make.

This is by doing all the small things that matter such as only exchanging kind words even when we are joking around because I have seen that words can hurt and my mother never forgets anything.

D told me that she missed me and that was nice to hear but I have to be careful not to compromise my beliefs and morals just do I can have a friend.

Sunday 6th July

I watched Holes the movie and I really liked it. Well the moral of the movie/book was basically you cant escape your destiny and no matter how hard you try to push it in your direction, God always knows better. Well that is what I basically got from it.

I cleaned the house and was feeling in a relatively good mood however I discovered that my motivation to clean aside that I wanted to clean the house for a long time was my mother approval.

We were talking in the kitchen and the subject diverted into that B got caught smoking and it got me feeling guilty probably after this package I am not going to buy anymore InsaAllah.

Yesterday the neighbor came out when I was giving H a lift home and I always find that she does not respond to me very well. I just get weird vibe from her and it made me over think. This was one of the indicated that showed that I need to continue with my meds because I still have trouble dealing with those emotions.

After I cleaned for some reason I started to feel down again. I took my meds so hopefully i wont feel like that anymore.

I am almost able to fit the Gap jeans again :)

Saturday 5th July

I went to work today first time this ramadan. It was ok kinda boring the carinival was on so it was busy everywhere else except for us.

I going to start my temporary full time work very soon and it made me think about my future. I dont know what I want to do and have not gain the confidence to look for highly skilled jobs because I am afraid to apply to them.

I need to work on my self-confidence and relies that I am skilled enough.

I am going to start yoga and start working at organizing my uni work and look into what I am possibly am interested in and need to start thinking realistically.

I am not going to become an english teacher in Korea and flirt with korean boys that look like onew and I am not going to be the next anna wilthorf (whatever her name is ) and work in fashion however i can still swoon over cute boys and I can start my own fashion/beauty blog that could possibly open some opportunities.

InshaAllah everything will work out and I will find a place in this world where I can balance my life, where I am following my only purpose in this life, my family and myself, and find contentment in that. 

I want to be happy and I will be happy inshaAllah.

time to write while i listen to a tribe called quest. I miss that group it was and stil is my favorite band. It reminds of the days when i was 17 that summer when i discovered black movies and music all because of a tribe called quest.

I always have trouble writing my feeling like I am not worth it. That my writing is inadequete well fuck that i am going to write with as much spelling and grammar mistakes that i could possibliy make because i have to start somewhere.

I miss my old self the self that i have not being able to enjoy due to circumstances. I wonder sometimes how she would be at 23. would she be as bold as she was. Have a husband or secret boyfriend that she adorrs.Would she be academic or artsy. would she be a practicing muslim or one that is struggling but never forgets.

I wish I could possiby be her to find out if i would be happier. I dont know nor will I ever know.

I could give myself a peptalk but i know it would be a waste of time so i am going to leave it like this.

NOBODY MIGHT UNDERSTAND WHAT  JUST WROTE BUT IT IS OK BECAUSE IT CAME FROM THE HEART AND I DAMN SURE KNOW THAT I HAVE NOT THAT IN A LONG TIME.

and-other-stories
and-other-stories:

You’ve all seen Susie Bubble before, but who’d be better to portray this collection of prints, patterns and colours? We packed a big suitcase with the SS/14 collection and shipped it to Susie in the midst fashion week travels. She picked her favourites and put together different looks for this story, which was then snapped by her friend Phil Oh on the streets of Milan and Paris.

and-other-stories:

You’ve all seen Susie Bubble before, but who’d be better to portray this collection of prints, patterns and colours? We packed a big suitcase with the SS/14 collection and shipped it to Susie in the midst fashion week travels. She picked her favourites and put together different looks for this story, which was then snapped by her friend Phil Oh on the streets of Milan and Paris.